The GUFY
by SSCI-COH
Summary: I've always been aware that the universe hates me. I was just completely clueless as to the sheer intensity of that hate. It's bad enough that Death showed up in my kitchen. Now I'm dealing with demon dogs, insane ex-girlfriends, and possessed children. What's next, ninja's? ...oh. Crap, I jinxed myself.


_Prolouge_

 **Summary:** I've always been aware that the universe hates me. I was just completely clueless as to the sheer intensity of that hate. It's bad enough that Death showed up in my kitchen. Now I'm dealing with demon dogs, insane ex-girlfriends, and possessed children. What's next, ninja's? ...oh. Crap, I jinxed myself.

 **Chaper Rating:** T+Cursing, violence, very brief implication of sex

 **Disclaimer:** Naruto? Belong to me? Oh, if only I could deliver such a wonderful brainchild!

 **A/N** : OC. Self-Insert in the sense that Merk has qualities I wish I had...like being male. Also...Can you ID the characters in my page breaks?

((o))) (o/_\O) (=^o^=) \ͦͦ l ͦ/

 _There are monsters among us. Creatures of darkness and deceit, with skins of shadow over bones soaked in our blood and covered in our flesh. They hide themselves in light and cloak themselves in promises of salvation and redemption. And though their smiles illuminate dreams, behind their teeth spiders crawl. Their words are a quiet poison. Every deed in the light has a twin in the darkness._

 _There are monsters among us. Is one beside you?_

A sigh left Merk's lips. He glanced again at the words written with a trembling hand on a paper wrinkled and spotted with the dark brown of old blood. The note had been stuffed between two overdue notices. If he were anyone else, he would have assumed the paper was a scrap that had mixed in with the mail.

But Merk knew this note was meant for him. The lines of the mark were smeared and crooked, and the symbol in the center was more a blot than a character, but it was unmistakably his crest on the back. He was bound by blood and ink to investigate the note, which sounded less like a mission and more like the opening to a vampire novel.

He massaged his forehead with his fingertips. Another sigh left him. He cast a glance at the other mail strewn across the table. Two overdue notices. A car repair bill. Two letters covered in red block letters screaming "LAST NOTICE". Three brown envelopes that looked like bills.

"I don't need this," He muttered.

His eyes lingered on the trash can for a long moment before he turned and tossed the note in the box. At times he hated his nagging conscience.

And his sense of self-preservation.

With a swipe of his arm, he sent all the envelopes fluttering to the floor. Out of sight, out of mind. He focused on what he deemed a far more pressing issue: breakfast. He fetched a gallon of milk and a box of raisin bran, then sat down with the only positive item among his mail: his favorite gaming magazine. For the next half-hour, Merk thought of nothing but bran and the extra lives he wished he had.

"The outside world is a nagging bitch." Merk thought.

After breakfast, he'd planned to spend the entire day in denial. He would watch cartoon characters kick ass, and then pretend to kick ass himself on his console. But reality came knocking at the door.

He would have ignored it, but reality accompanied it's knocking with screams loud enough to rouse his far-overdue-for-death neighbor from perpetual slumber. The old man was now screaming in German through the wall. Merk stormed to the door and threw it open.

"What the hell do you want?"

The expression on reality's face went from one of rage to one of innocence. With her black hair styled into a bob with curled ends, her tiny frame wrapped in a pink dress that pushed up her small breasts and flared about her hips, her lips roughed red, and green eyes sparkling, reality looked like his sweet little sister.

"Good-"

"Don't give me that polite, pretty and poised bullshit." Merk growled. He jerked away from the frame and stomped inside. He heard the door slam behind him, and then a flurry of steps. He leaned to the side. A ballet-flat clad foot flew through the air where his torso had been seconds before.

"You!" She screeched.

"Yes, Me. And you, Molly. Not together mind you. Not anymore. So tell me what the hell you want and get out."

"Aww, is the little boy still crying? Would he like a hug?" Molly stuck out her bottom lip and regarded him with shining eyes.

One of these days I'm going to kill this bitch. Merk thought.

His silent threat must have shown on his face, for the woman smirked. Merk once again cursed his conscience and his contract. Nothing would have given him more sinful pleasure than wrapping his hand around that skinny neck and squeezing till all was still.

He wondered how or why he'd ever thought of her as cute.

"My hands would love to give your neck a very tight hug, now that you mention it," His lips smiled, but his eyes flashed.

"My, my, and they say video games don't make you violent. None of that sweetheart, I'm just here to...help."

"Here's how you can help. See that door? Open it, walk though it, shut it behind you, and never come back."

"Oh I'm sure there's another way I can help. And you really don't want me to leave," Molly gave him a bright little smile that had shadows of malice, "You really, really don't want me to leave..."

Merk's eyes narrowed. The first time he'd heard those words, a few moments later, she'd had him by the balls - quite literally - in a manner that was most pleasurable. A few months after that, she'd had him by the balls in a figurative manner that was anything but pleasant.

"No, I really do. I have no interest in anything you have to say to me or any assignment you might have for me. So kindly get the fuck out of my apartment before I throw you out."

His eyes darkened as he straightened to his full height of 6'1'' and advanced on her. Fear flashed across her face, and she took a little stumbling step backwards.

"W-wait a moment," she raised her hands in surrender.

"No." His shadow cast her in darkness, and she stared up at him with eyes wide. In one moment, her trembling lip stilled and pulled into a smirk. In the next moment, there was a brief breeze and she was gone.

Pain exploded across his back. He flew forward and slammed into the refrigerator. It rattled as his chest collided with it. He caught himself on its surface, fingers catching the sides and stopping the slide of his body along its silver surface.

There was a long silence, broken only by the wheezing of the fridge.

Slowly he turned, eyes blazing. She stood behind him, rod straight, all traces of teasing or fear gone from her eyes. There was frigid darkness in their place.

"I'm not leaving." her voice was a frozen blade.

Pushing himself upright, Merk turned and gave her a grim look.

"And you intend to force me to do whatever the hell it is you want me to do...how?"

The smile she gave him sent spiders crawling down his spine, "Have you seen your mail?" she asked.

His eyes flitted toward the Box. Her gaze followed his and she walked toward the Box, reaching a hand toward it.

"I would-"

As her hand passed the edge of the cardboard box, a crackling field of energy surrounded it. White strings of electricity surged up her arm and she shrieked, yanking her hand back. The field vanished.

"What the hell was that?" she turned blazing eyes upon him.

"Asset Protection," he drawled, "I had it set to keep monsters away. I suppose it considers 'vapid bitch' among the nasties."

She glowered at him. "You should have a received a request this morning. Where is it? What did it say?"

"I knew I should have tossed that thing in the garbage. I haven't even opened it and it's already brought trouble to my doorstep."

Molly smirked, "You hold longer grudges than most women I know."

"I'm surprised you know anyone that you don't fuck."

"You act like a dumped teen."

Merk sighed and rubbed his forehead. He knew Molly would not leave until he answered her, and throwing her out was not an option. Her pretty face and small size did well in hiding the monster that was inside.

"Alright. Who is it that wants me to clean up their mess, or wants to kill me, or wants to kill you or whatever the hell it is, that you were concerned enough to come here?"

The darkness in Molly's face vanished and she was once again flirty and smiling.

"Now if I told you that sweetie, I'd be spoiling a good show. And you know how I hate spoilers." She waved her hand toward the Box, "Go find out."

Merk stared at her for a long moment. Following his instincts, that nagging gut feeling that told him of danger was one of the reason he was breathing now and not rotting under six feet of dirt. At that moment, his gut was screaming for him not to look at that summon. But it was in the Box, and once it was there...he was committed.

Scowling, he approached the Box with all the weariness he might approach an angry predator. All the while, his instinct screamed at him. The note was the only one in the box. The symbol seemed to glare at him from the paper. He swallowed as he lifted his hand. A quick press of nails into his palm drew blood and he hovered his hand over the Box. A drop of blood congealed. Time seemed to slow as the drop fell. It splashed onto the paper.

The Box erupted.

A fist of scorching force slammed into his stomach. His breath flew from his lungs as he was flung across the room. The dining room table exploded; wood chips sprayed like shrapnel. Plates shattered, food swirled. Small appliances were launched through the air. A kitchen knife whizzed past his nose.

Heavy yellow smoke poured from the box like lava from an erupting volcano. Merk's eyes watered as the gas stung his eyes, his hands flew to his throat as it filled his lungs. The stench of rotten eggs poisoned every breath.

"Sulfur...fucking sulfur," He gasped, "Who the hell did you piss off?!"

Molly was sitting cross-legged on the only intact piece of furniture in the room - a chair - smiling beatifically.

"Oh love, you always assume the worst of me," she purred, "I pissed off no one. Rather, I made a friend, and he was so eager to meet you. But I know what a sour puss you are; you'd never agree to meet him on your own so..." she smiled, "I had to arrange an...accidental encounter. You'll thank me!"

"I'm going to fucking kill you!"

"Oh that's no way to talk in front of guests sweetheart. Is it?" The last two words were not directed toward him.

Merk turned, and lifted watering eyes to Molly's "guest".

"Oh hell no." Dread dropped into his gut.

A corpse was sitting on his table. He could see the curve of every bone beneath it's molted-gray skin. Tattered rags hung off it's rotting flesh. It was headless; it held it's head beneath it's arm. The skin on the head was like putrid yellow cheese spread thin over a skull. It's mouth was a gaping slash filled with rotted teeth that stretched from ear to ear in a hideous grin. The hollow sockets of it's eyes seemed to suck in all warmth and light.

Mark's jaw dropped as he stared at the terrifying specter in his kitchen.

Oh damn you Molly, he thought, damn you to hell

He was staring at the soulless visage of Death.

((o))) (o/_\O) (=^o^=) \ͦͦ l ͦ/

He found the child in an alley. She was not alone. Surrounding her were three...things. To him, they looked like _oni._ There were three towering males with skin the color of grass. Their torso's were human, but their legs were that of donkeys. Their fur was the color of snow. Their hair was the same white, and fell around green ram's horns that curled at the sides of their heads. Each had six eyes, three on either side. The eyes were slitted and black as ink. Fangs protruded from their upper lips. At this distance, he felt the pressure of the creatures' chakra. They were tailed beast level, but the little girl's chakra still smothered theirs.

Have I landed in a world where everyone is either undead or a _junchuriki_? He thought.

He crouched behind a car and watched.

The sheer amount of emotionally charged chakra in the air made his every _shinobi_ sense scream. His paws itched for a blade. Chakra buzzed beneath his skin. It seemed to be a confrontation. The demon in he center - he assumed that was the leader - was gesturing wildly.

He could not use chakra to enhance his senses, but his natural hearing caught every word. It was a shame that he could understand none of it. The language most of the populace spoke was called "English". He'd never had to learn it; he just understood. Everything that was spoken in this "English" entered his ears as Elemental. It was something he didn't question.

But this was not English. Everything they said entered his ears as gibberish. It didn't matter. He gleaned from body language that the demons were asking for something, and the child was refusing. His silent interpretation was confirmed when the middle demon lunged at the girl. She vanished and reappeared behind the demon. Her fist slammed into the monster's back; it flew forward and smashed into a lamppost.

Chaos ensued.

The remaining two demons lunged. The three became blurs he could follow only by the destruction left in the wake of their attacks. Concrete cracked radially from the impact of fists. A dumpster flew through the air, raining trash, and smashed into a passing car. The vehicle's windows exploded as it was shoved off the road. The screech of tires filled the air, followed by the scream of twisting metal as the car flipped over and skidded into a building.

One of the demons crawled out of the dumpster and flashed across the street. The next moment, the little girl was sailing through the air. The other demon appeared in her path, and it's fist sent her flying into the car he hid behind. It lifted, he hit the ground. The underbelly of the car passed overhead and the vehicle crashed into a building.

He darted into the upturned dumpster. He wished more than ever that he was human and could use chakra to observe the fight from a safe distance. The girl crawled away from the car. She turned to the two demons, who stood, bodies coiled, across the street.

Her eyes were crimson.

 _Sharingan?!_

His surprised gasp came out as a bark. The child's head whipped toward him, and their eyes connected. Her own were not Sharingan, but solid red. Strange symbols were written in black across them. One of the demons took advantage of her distraction.

It reared back, and roared. Black mist poured from it's mouth and rolled toward the girl. She stretched out her hand, palm out. The symbols written across her eyes glowed.

A car lifted into the air, and zoomed between her and the mist. The mist rolled into it. Most dissipated, some slid around the car and passed by her. The girl made a cutting motion with her hand and the car launched like a bullet toward the demons.

They both blurred and the car passed through the empty space where they once stood. It flipped into the alley. The smell of gasoline touched his nose. He scrambled further into the dumpster just as the car exploded. Flames roared through the street and shot into the air. Scorching metal rained down. A head-rest ricocheted off the dumpster. The rumble of running feet and excited shouts filled the air. Cautiously, he emerged from the dumpster.

The girl was gone. He whipped about, searching for her. The demons - one perched atop a power line, the other crouched on the edge of a building - did the same.

Police sirens wailed in the distance.

One of the demons turned and spoke gibberish to it's partner. The other never got to answer. Just as it opened it's mouth, a hand exploded out of it's chest. Blood arched through the air and poured from it's mouth. It stared, wide-eyed at the crimson hand under it's chin before toppling to the ground. There was a sickening crunch upon impact.

The last demon flashed off the power-line and sailed toward the girl. She stood statue still, and smiled. Power-lines whipped free from their wooden poles and cracked through the air. White lightning danced along their lengths. Like whips, they lashed the demon. It shrieked in pain and crashed to the ground. The power-lines wrapped around it's limbs and lifted it into the air. The little girl jumped to the ground and walked calmly toward it. The demon struggled and screeched gibberish. The girl replied with something that made the demon freeze and stare at her with an expression of horror.

Then it began to convulse. Tendrils of electricity danced across it's body. Its eyes rolled up into it's head. The stench of burnt flesh assaulted his nose. His gag came out as a whine. He froze as the girl's gaze snapped to his hiding place. She was suddenly in front of him.

Behind her, the demon's body stilled and sagged in it's bounds.

Crimson eyes stared into his. Every breath was a battle through the foreign chakra that smothered him. It no longer tingled across his skin, it burned.

"Why hello Moonlight!" Her bright voice was a gross contrast to her blood-soaked, tattered appearance.

A smile shone through the blood splattered across the girl's face.

It was the last thing he saw before the darkness.

((o))) (o/_\O) (=^o^=) \ͦͦ l ͦ/

A/N: I am asking for constructive criticism. If you are an experienced writer, I would LOVE feedback. This story is meant to be a fun way to improve my writing. So please, tell me what's good, and what's bad.

 **Sneak Peak:**

Every pass of her tiny hand over his fur made the skin beneath tingle with energy. This slip of a girl had as much chakra as a genin in a world where he'd encountered no one with enough chakra to even breathe.

Naruto Characters React To...

Basically, I give a one word prompt of an item or concept or person from our world. You write how you think a character of your choice would react to it in your reviews. GO!

Nicki Minaj

(Don't hate me. My roommates playing her song, and I know how I'm reacting...)


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